I have been thinking a lot about the importance of making memories. What with the end of the decade and the departure of my eldest son for university, I’ve been somewhat preoccupied with holding onto memories of my kids as little ones. And also, if I’m honest, a little fearful about how many more opportunities there will be (or won’t be) to make new family memories.
I’m not a huge fan of New Year Resolutions as I’m not convinced they lead to real change. But I do like to set my kids a bit of a challenge to mark the New Year. You might remember, a couple of years ago I asked them to write my New Year Resolutions for me with interesting results! This year, I asked them to come up with their five favourite family moments from last year.
As usual, what I thought was a bright and clever idea taught me a salutary lesson in teenage priorities. “Five?!” they said. And scratched their heads. I could see them wracking their memory banks for a single important event last year at which I was present. They could remember lots of great times, but none of them included family! In the end, the eldest came up with four rather vague memories (one of which actually happened in 2018 and the other was being dropped off at university – a double-edged sword of a family memory for sure!). The youngest cribbed two memories from his brother, made one up that I know he hated and concluded “We need to do more 🙁 .”
Aaagh! As if I hadn’t been desperately trying to get him to join in with family life for the whole year!
The teenage years are a time when parental focus shifts away from creating a happy childhood towards ensuring our children have the skills and knowledge they need to become happy and successful young adults. An essential part of this process is equipping young people to thrive outside the protection and comforts of our family. And that means actively preparing teenagers for leaving home.
Every teen matures at a slightly different rate. But promoting independence isn’t just about our teenager’s maturity. Parents have a huge role to play. Preparing teenagers for leaving home requires us as parents to actively change our expectations of our children and start treating them as the young adults we want them to become. And that means doing less for them and expecting more from them. We do our children no favours if we send them out into the adult world unable to manage for themselves!
Teaching new skills to children of any age requires parents to:
Model the skill (show them how it’s done)
Aid supported practice (do it alongside them)
Facilitate independent production (step back and give them opportunities to do it alone).
When it comes to teenagers, that means:
Having appropriate expectations as to what they are capable of (not under-expecting or doing everything for them)
Allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them (not rescuing them from every risk of failure)
Understanding what might motivate them to take on new responsibilities (standing in their shoes).
Preparing teenagers for leaving home involves building their practical skills, their thinking skills, their organisational skills and their knowledge of the world and the way it works. Here are a few tips for how you can best prepare teens for independence in the big wide world. Continue reading →
I have had absolutely no time to write this week, so here’s a quick video blog instead on how to maintain a good relationship with your teenager. If you are interested in this topic, you might also like to read my top tips on communicating with teenagers.
If you are looking for a way to tear your kids away from their tablets and consoles in order to have some quality family time, then board games are a great option. But where do you start? And how do you go about engaging your kids in a board game when the lure of computer games is so powerful? The Board Game Family by Ellie Dix has all the answers.
Ellie Dix is clearly a big fan of board games and her enthusiasm is infectious. But she is also a realist. There are no illusions here that your children will skip happily to the kitchen table for a three-hour Sunday afternoon board game just because Mum or Dad thinks it’s a good idea! There a some brilliant stealth tactics for how you can subtly get your kids interested by leaving games lying around (pretend you are having a clear out!). Or by solo playing to tempt their interest. These are ideas that might just work, too. Continue reading →
People assume that because I advise parents on parenting, I must be a fantastic parent myself – which I’m not. I’m just like you. I get some things right, I get some things wrong. I have inspirational days and some real howlers. I’m always trying to do my best but only sometimes succeeding.
And nor do I have perfect children. My teenagers are just like everyone else’s (and uncomfortably similar to me as a teenager!). They face the same challenges and struggle with the same demons. They have fallen at some hurdles, and risen to others. And they don’t like to listen to their mother.
Like most parents, I judge myself harshly when my not-perfect teens don’t listen to their not-perfect mother and do not-perfect things. But then I heap on an extra spoonful of guilt because I am a parenting coach and somehow that means I ought to get everything right…
One of the problems with modern parenting is that we tend to believe that good kid = good parent and that bad kid = bad parent. I’ve lost track of the number of times I have read the words “I blame the parents” in comments about teenage antisocial behaviour on social media. But bad kid = bad parent is a simplification beyond the point of usefulness. Worse, when it comes to teenagers, it’s potentially harmful.
Because bad kid = bad parent is the kind of thinking that makes parents of teenagers panic. And when we panic, we usually overreact. And we forget that teenagers have a tendency to make big stupid mistakes even when they’ve had good parenting. Continue reading →
If you have a teenage son who is not doing as well as you think he should be at school, you must read He’s Not Lazy: Empowering your son to believe in himself by Adam Price. If you have one, you’ll know the type of boy I mean. The boy who doesn’t bother with homework or just dashes it off at the last minute. Who refuses to take responsibility for his schoolwork unless you trawl through his bag to make sure it gets done. The boy languishing in a lower set than his ability. The ‘could-try-harder’ boy who is too cool, too busy, or too engrossed in his Xbox to put in the hours on his academics.
If this is your son, then this is the book to help you step back, figure out what’s going on, and get yourself off the treadmill that is sustaining his behaviour. Continue reading →
As school starts up again it’s important to mention the key study skills which will put your child in the best position to succeed this academic year. For the past 5 years, I’ve worked with students in all types of schools helping them to improve their study techniques and smartphone management in order to achieve exam success. Here are three study skills I’ve learned often pay off the most when it comes to exam day.
1. Deliberate Goal Setting
The best students I’ve worked with are goal setters. Though they may not say so themselves. To them, it might just be simple list making or consciously directing oneself what to do on a day to day basis. Either way, they are thinking through deliberate choices and taking action on them. It starts with deciding what grades they want to achieve at the very beginning of the year and writing them down in places they will see them often. For example, the inside covers of textbooks, in their smartphone notes and on post-it notes which are then stuck on places such as the bedroom door and bathroom mirror. Continue reading →
Boosting children’s resilience is all about helping children feel a sense of mastery and competence, that what they do matters and that they have control and influence over how they feel and what they achieve. Building children’s resilience involves allowing them to set goals, plan a route forward, take risks, rise to challenges and learn from mistakes. It also means helping them to find ways to regulate their emotions, experience contentment and build a happy memory bank that can help them through difficult moments.
There’s no holiday club or after school activity specifically for building children’s resilience. It is built from lots of different experiences which all contribute to kids feeling “I’ve got this!” (and “if I haven’t, I’ll find a way!”). But it definitely doesn’t come from sitting at home at a screen. So here are my top ten ideas for activities that you and your family can do this summer to boost your children’s resilience. Have fun!
The summer holidays are approaching and I know how busy you are. There’s work to finish, childcare to organise, paddling pools to buy, packing lists to write, school uniform to order and have you remembered to source a goldfish-sitter? Not yet? Well, I thought I’d help you save time on your holiday prep and bring together in one place all the positive parenting strategies you’ll need for enjoying some family time these holidays. Here is your essential positive parenting toolkit for surviving the summer holidays. You’re welcome! Continue reading →
Modern fatherhood means being hands on in all aspects of practical childcare but also connecting emotionally with children. That’s the conclusion from the Modern Fatherhood Survey run by the Positive Parenting Project. The survey looked at the range of parenting tasks today’s dads undertake and how modern fatherhood differs from previous generations.
The key picture that emerged was a shift towards more equally shared parenting tasks and a breakdown of traditional divisions in Mum/Dad roles. “Dads are more involved than previous generations with more mothers returning to their careers. Dads have a clearer understanding on their role in the child’s emotional development as well as the physical side,” was how one dad summed up changes in modern fatherhood.
A recurring theme was how modern dads see practical childcare tasks and household chores as an integral part of their role as a fathers. But dads also aspire to a relationship with their children which involves playing and listening and which is loving and nurturing.
“fathers are much more involved in raising their children, more emotionally open and available for their children, less authoritarian and more aware that respect is earned not deserved… more willing to allow their children to be themselves… more willing to admit they’re wrong and to apologise”
At some point or other, your child is going to come across illegal recreational drugs. And probably earlier than you think. All parents hope their child will do the right thing when faced with difficult choices. But we also understand that sometimes good kids make bad decisions. A better strategy is to arm teens and tweens with relevant knowledge and aim for an open and strong relationship in which teens will be honest and come to you if they need help.
Talking to children about drugs can feel scary. Parents often worry that by talking about drugs they will be encouraging children to try them. That’s not true. The more we equip children with the tools and information to keep themselves safe, the more likely they are to stay safe. Here are a few tips on how to talk to teens and tweens about drugs effectively. Continue reading →
Lots of parents worry about the potential negative impacts of social media on children’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, reliable evidence is sketchy in this still-shifting and developing terrain. There have been some appalling cases where children and teens have been influenced by online content promoting self-harming, for example. But many teens also say that social media is a source of support and connection for them.
If you are worried about the impact of social media on your child’s wellbeing, or want sensible advice on how to limit the impact of social media on family life or on how to talk about these concerns with your child, I’ve put together a few of my favourite resources to get you started. Continue reading →
Whether your child is 8 or 18, tests and exams can be a stressful time. Supporting children through exams is all about reducing stress, optimising well-being and putting good study processes in place. Parents have a key role to play in creating the right environment for learning and helping children to structure their revision time productively.
We all want our children to do well but there is a difference between support and pressure. Parents need to support children to develop good study habits but avoid pressurising them into a state of heightened anxiety in which learning just flies out of your brain. For some children, exam periods will involve a lot of parental nudging to galvanise them into action. For others, it means helping them stay calm with reassurance, distraction and relaxation strategies. Or perhaps, a combination of both approaches!
The article provoked a level of engagement I had never previously experienced. The comments on Facebook ran into the hundreds as it went viral through parents’ networks. It clearly hit a nerve. Complete strangers emailed me to reassure me that they had been through the same thing and that it would all be ok, eventually. Scores of people told me that reading it had made them cry, for their own losses as well as mine.
It was such a genuine and painful post that I avoided reading it for a long time. Those teenage years go on for quite a while and the hurt I had written from was just too raw. Not just the loss of closeness but the conflict and anger and fear for their futures and wanting to shake them to get them to see sense. Continue reading →
I found myself crying in the car last night. Truly blubbering. I had just dropped my teenage son off at his girlfriend’s house – well, around the corner from her house. I’d pulled over a few hundred yards early to give us a moment to finish our conversation and he’d got out and stormed off. (And, when I say ‘conversation’, you know what I really mean is argument…)
I calmed myself down, drove home and accepted his conciliatory hug this morning. But why was I so very upset? It was a stupid argument about tidying his bedroom, one we’ve had a hundred times before with much less drama. But as I sat crying in the car, I was really hurting. My brain was quick-firing with all the things my son had done that had hurt me – a litany of blatant unkindnesses all the more outrageous and undeserved given the hours of love, thought and lift-giving that I plough into his life. Continue reading →