Regular readers will know that I am a big fan of reward charts. They help children to focus on the behaviour that is expected from them and they remind parents to catch their children being good and pay attention to it.
But when it comes to teenagers, a sticker chart is not going to do the trick. A slightly more grown up approach is required. One version of this is a ‘behaviour contract’.
The idea of a behaviour contract is that, just like a reward chart for younger children, it sets out clearly what behaviour is expected, what rewards or privileges will be earned by doing that behaviour but also what the consequences will be for misbehaviour.
A behaviour contract works best when the target (good) behaviour is clearly defined, when the rewards are achievable and when your teenager cares about the rewards and the consequences. Breaking habits takes effort – from both you and your teen – and behaviour contracts only succeed when both of you are on board. Continue reading →
Triple P parenting self-help workbooks are an ideal solution for parents who want to learn more about positive parenting but who can’t attend a parenting course.
The books cover all the same material as the acclaimed 8-week Triple P parenting courses – helping parents to discover and implement positive parenting strategies for managing, educating and caring for their children – but with the added convenience of being able to read it on the train or dip in and out as time permits. The workbooks guide parents through a 10 week series of reading, thinking and practice tasks designed to build good relationships with children, encourage their learning and development and manage their behaviour in a positive way. There are three Triple P parenting self-help workbooks to choose from, depending on the age and needs of your child: Continue reading →
Good communication is essential for building and maintaining relationships – chatting, sharing experiences, resolving problems and agreeing ground-rules. Which can be a bit of a problem when it comes to communicating with teenagers since hanging out with mum or dad isn’t always their top priority. The teenage years involve a major shift in parents’ relationships with their children as power and decision-making are handed over from parent to child. And along with this striving for independence comes an inevitable degree of pushback and rejection – of you, your habits and values, and of your right to know their thoughts. Maintaining good communication during this process can be challenging!
All teens are different and between the ages of 11 and 19 an individual teenager may undergo many transformations (so remember to enjoy the good bits!). But here are some practical tips on communicating with teenagers to help keep those channels open through the difficult bits. Continue reading →
One of my teenagers is a bit of a grump at the moment. Put it down to hormones or identity struggles, whatever the cause the result isn’t always pleasant. After dragging him to a barbecue this summer and being rewarded with appalling rudeness (in the presence of my Dad, even worse!), I came to the conclusion that spending family time with a teenager was a doomed project. But after a trip to the Victoria & Albert Museum less than a week later, I changed my mind. Having fun family time with a teenager is possible, but there is definitely a Right Way and a Wrong Way to go about it.
Homework is a common struggle for all parents. Every school night at desks, computers and kitchen tables across the country, weary parents pitch into battle over what homework needs to be done, when, how, and how good is good enough? Homework fights can really sour those precious few hours with our children between work and bed.
If homework fights are ruining your evenings, here are my top tips for taking the heat out of homework:
Welcome to the parenting teenagers years! During this stage of parenting there will be no handy help from midwives, health visitors or mother and toddler groups. You won’t be swapping tips with other mums or dads at the school gate and no one is going to give you a ‘How To’ manual for Christmas. When it comes to parenting teenagers, you are on your own with only self-doubt and the internet to help…
So, in the spirit of comradeship, here are a few simple rules that I found out the hard way. Stick to these and – yes, it might still get messy and there will definitely be difficult moments but there’s a good chance you’ll come out the other side with a healthy relationship with your adult son/daughter and a smile on your face. Good luck! Continue reading →
When I was twelve, for a brief time my career ambition was to walk the streets. Things weren’t exactly great at home and I didn’t place a lot of value on myself. Having gone through puberty early, I was receiving sexualised attention from older males that I simply wasn’t equipped to handle. In my mixed up teen mind, I mistook this attention for the love I was craving. I was ripe for sexual exploitation.
Now, when I look back on my teenage years, I feel lucky. Not about the hard stuff that happened – but that worse didn’t happen. Fortunately, my basket of risk and protective factors had a few positives in it too. I was intelligent enough to be in the top sets at my comprehensive school so my peer group were generally less screwed up than me. I had middle class parents who, for all their faults, practised a baseline of supervision that kept me largely in sight in my most vulnerable years. And, despite a self-destructive streak a mile wide, I had a belief in happiness that was rooted in a carefree early childhood playing make-believe in a quiet country lane. Take just one of those elements away and I don’t think I would have made it. Somewhere, in a parallel universe is a me who ran into the wrong person and mistook grooming for love. Continue reading →
Dealing with teenage tantrums isn’t always easy, especially when you’re juggling work pressures too. Teenagers can go from nought to ten out of the blue, sometimes over quite trivial triggers. And they often express those emotions forcefully – not very comfortable when you’re the one in the firing line! It’s not surprising things can get messy.
When someone shouts at us, our hackles rise and our emotional temperature shoots up. Often, our volume goes up too and we find ourselves shouting back. Similarly, when we see someone we love distressed (sad, hurt, upset) our first instinct is to want to solve the problem, to make whatever is causing their distress go away.
Unfortunately, both of these instinctive responses can lead you into deep water when dealing with an emotional teen.
To override these unhelpful instincts, you need a plan (and you need to stick to the plan). Faced with teenage tantrums, remember the plan and do the same thing every time: first deal with the emotion then, afterwards, deal with the problem. Continue reading →
Teenagers and toddlers have a lot in common. An ability to go from 0 to 10 on the tantrum scale completely out of the blue, a stubborn refusal to follow guidance, fierce fixations on particular objects or activities and a single-minded pursuit of the pleasure-right-now principle (to name but a few).
I’m a bit of a geek when it comes to trying to work out why children behave the way they do. Partly it’s curiosity and partly it’s a way to stay calm in the face of unreasonable and unpredictable child behaviour. If I’m able to imagine my tantruming toddler as a Play Robot that has got stuck on ‘Go’ then I find it a lot easier to achieve the emotional distance required to stay calm when he ramps it up at the checkout in Tesco’s.
Now we have reached the teenage years, I have been searching for an understanding of older children that will help keep me sane in the face of their more maddening behaviour. And I think I may have come up with a few! Continue reading →
The thing about parenting teenagers (and parenting in general) is that every time you think you’ve got a handle on it, something changes. Strategies that work well with one child seem to have no effect on another. And as fast as you can come up with countermoves, the children graduate to a new stage of development with completely different challenges. Self-congratulation tends to be ominous and short-lived!
For me, early childhood parenting tended to be all about absolutes – things were either always right or always wrong and nuances were best avoided. But parenting teenagers is an entirely different kettle of fish. Standing on fixed principles with a teenager is a sure fire way to escalate conflict.
I have come to think of the teenage years as a prolonged handover of power from parent to child. And just as with governments and regimes, this can be a peaceful democratic transition or a bloody and violent uprising – or, more likely, a mash up of the two. Realistically, faced across the negotiating table with an unpredictable, hormone-surging, self-and-peer-obsessed teenager with their eye on the prize and little experience in facilitating compromise, the best we can really hope for is a (largely) bloodless revolution. Continue reading →