Becoming a single parent: the change curve

Becoming a single parent was both the worst and the best thing that has happened to me.Becoming a single parent - the change curve At the time, it was devastating: I felt I had screwed up my life and my children’s lives. Fundamentally. Irreversibly. Unforgivably. I had failed at the most basic level of being a parent, I had broken something that could never be fixed or replaced.

It is only now, with over a decade of distance, that I can look back at that first year calmly and understand the stages in my journey towards acceptance and self-forgiveness. This is the story of my transition.

Becoming a single parent Stage 1: Denial

All change starts with denial. In my case, most of this happened prior to the break-up. By the time my first baby was six months old I knew deep down that we weren’t going to make it, that my husband would leave. This just wasn’t the right life for him. For three years I did everything I could to ignore that voice or to prove it wrong. I have never been good at quitting, but once you have children the decision becomes so much harder. How bad do things have to be before the alternative is better? How much can I tolerate, how low can I reduce my expectations, how little can I value myself before I give up hope on a perfect childhood and do something that I know will blow their worlds apart? How is it possible to know what is better, what will be worse?

Years later, my eldest son told me that his earliest memory was sitting on the stairs listening to his parents fighting. I’ll never know for sure whether I held out too long or if I should have kept trying, but one night my husband packed a bag and the decision was made for me.

Becoming a single parent Stage 2: False Positivity

My first reaction was relief. It was over. I wasn’t being shouted at any more. I dimly realised that there might not be much kindness coming my way in the future, but the cruelty had stopped, the line was drawn, and I was elated. Becoming a single parent meant that at last I could take control, make plans, move on and start rebuilding. I threw myself into becoming a single parent like a manic project manager, finding ingenious solutions to practical obstacles in a desperate impersonation of a perfect mum. I knew I wasn’t really happy, but at least now I had hope that I would be happy one day in the not-too-distant future.

Becoming a single parent Stage 3: Grim Reality

But it turned out that being a single parent with no money looking after a one-year-old and a three-year-old wasn’t so easy. When you’re a single parent, it’s always your turn. When they wake up at 5am, it’s your turn. When the stinky nappies need rinsing, it’s your turn. Emptying the bin, washing up, raking up the leaves, reading the story, clearing up the Lego, playing their favourite game – there is so much to do when you have young children and when there is only one of you it is relentlessly, constantly, always your turn.

The silence took it’s toll too. Getting the children to bed at 7.30pm gave a few moments of sweet relief, but then the long evening would stretch out before me and I would find myself turning on every electrical appliance in the house – TV, radio, washing machine – just to numb the silence. I looked everywhere for a solution to put our life back on track: I thought about emigrating to Australia, joining the Foreign Office, moving to Bristol, marrying for money, going round in ever-decreasing circles as I realised that there wasn’t a quick fix that would magic up a wonderful new life for us.

Becoming a single parent Stage 4: Acceptance

I remember the moment vividly. It was a sunny day in June, six months after the break-up. We had the beach to ourselves. The boys had found a huge hole that bigger children must have dug at the weekend and they were having the time of their lives. Running free range across the beach, playing chase with the waves, jumping in the hole, digging tunnels, an idyllic childhood moment. And I realised all in a rush that I could steer us to happiness, I could create them a normal happy childhood, that all was not lost.

But sitting there watching them being wonderfully, beautifully happy, I understood with a grim finality that I would always be alone in these moments. I would never sit here and share this moment with someone who saw the children through the same lens of utter love as I was doing. With someone who was also their parent. That was what I had lost, and that could never be got back. I was ready to create the future, but I understood what it meant.

There were, of course, many more stages and many more ups and downs after that and, in truth, it took a little bit longer for me to give up all hope for a magic wand that would somehow make everything better. (Those illusions of perfection are very powerful!). But having been a joint parent, a single parent, and now a married-to-a-new-partner parent has helped me see that there is no ideal set-up. There’s just doing your best to find a way for everyone to thrive.

No matter what life throws at you.

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©Anita Cleare 2015

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4 thoughts on “Becoming a single parent: the change curve

  1. teacuptoria

    Such a great post Anita. I love your website, so helpful and informative. I totally relate to all of this so deeply. I remember each of these phases. I’ve struggled with having a partner who doesn’t love my child unconditionally as I do for a long time. It’s a sad feeling. Luckily my son’s dad is still in his life so at least I can share my love and pride occasionally! On the whole, being a single parent has been an amazing journey for me and my boy though and I do look back now with a sense of pride and achievement. It;s great to read your story too. Thanks x

    Reply
    1. AnitaCleare Post author

      That’s lovely feedback, thank you. It’s such a lonely moment when a relationship breaks up and I hope that hearing from someone who has come out the other side offers hope or solace to someone who needs it.

      Reply
  2. StrongMe

    Hi Anita, I attended your seminar on “How to bring Confident and Competent children” yesterday. It was such a great seminar. I’m glad I wrote my email id in there and now I’m receiving the newsletter.

    Luckily I found this blog of yours and I can relate every single phase with my life as I’m a single parent too. For me everything happened one after the other, Child born with a rare disease, broken marriage, then lost mum and in a month job was at risk. I don’t know how I survived but here I’m living alone with no family, in a country to which I moved 9 years ago. All these events have taught me a lot and changed me too in a good way. Seeing posts from similar single parents tells me that I’m not alone and one day things may get better or not but life has prepared me to accept whatever comes my way. Thanks.

    Reply
    1. AnitaCleare Post author

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. It can be such a bleak time but keeping hope that there are positives (present and future) makes a big difference. Remember to look after yourself and invest in your own wellbeing too.

      Reply

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